The little sense of life… November 30, 2007

I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole gift-giving phenomenon and the relational core of society (not only here in Uganda but in most of Africa) and how in this context, the gift giving and the relationship are inexorably intertwined. I’ve had a few really good conversations and spent much time in thought about it all and yet I still won’t claim that I sleep comfortably at night but progress is moving forward (no matter how slow it may be) so I can at least claim to be making progress. My current prayer is that I’ll have the grace to see these gestures of kindness through the eyes of Christ and not my own because these western ones I see through sometimes twist and taint the realities of life here in Kamuli.
As I consider the intensity of relationship here I am constantly reminded daily that all of life is about the relationships you have. People are valued higher than things… Who you are depends on who you know—when times of trouble or hardship come (because they certainly will) you must rely on your relationships to persevere through. You can’t survive alone here, we need each other. This is yet another thing I’m learning (struggling!) to balance… how do I live authentically in a society that values relationships so much that it seems to foster superficial relationships and insincerity everywhere (again maybe that’s my cynical side talking!)… People are so afraid to damage a relationship that they may need in the future that honesty (at least directly communicated honesty) is hardpressed to find. People rarely say what they really mean—it seems more common that they say what they think you want to hear. Now when you do say what you really mean, it’s so indirectly-subtle that more often than not that truth goes straight over my head. Struggling with my ‘people-pleasing’ nature has been exceedingly challenging in this context.. I’ve been trying to break out of this tendency for years and yet being here makes me feel as though I’m starting back at the start.
Now, AEGY has a policy which prohibits staff from accepting gifts from clients. This is in place for many various reasons—and it’s a very good policy at that. I recognize the importance in helping my co-workers honor it as its often them who have to attempt to refuse the gifts (I’m not exactly proficient in Lusoga!) and I also recognize the need to honor the clients who have a desire to give. At the same time, not all gifts are “no-strings-attached” – its common to give a gift with hopes that they will receive something in return. This is especially true when they see me and my transparent white skin. In many African cultures, gifts and loans are ways in which people bind themselves to one another–you cannot easily break a relationship (nor would it be wise to) with someone if he/she owes you money or you owe him/her a cow. You are forced to work through the conflict in order not damage the relationship for yourself or your relatives—you also don’t want to deprive yourself of a future access to their resources in a time of need. I was conditioned in a culture to believe independence and self-sufficiency were of utmost importance, that asking for things and for help were a sign of weakness. Dependency was not associated with a positive connotation. In America, I’ve seen many relationships dissolve over a bad debt or a minor disagreement. Here, I’m being continuously challenged by the emphasis on relationship- for better or worse. And I’m constantly asking myself, which one is more Christ-like?
I find this incredibly frustrating (and challenging)—this high regard of relationship—especially in the circumstances of gifts. I must confess, I often view the situation and just see people giving for the sake of giving. My immediate thoughts go straight to that of the Pharisees in Jesus’ time- it appears to be all about motions but little about heart… Again, of course, I must admit my bias- maybe it’s just these western eyes seeing these things… or perhaps my cynical nature… or my bitterness (I’m still trying my best to love that co-worker who parades me around like his little white puppet). I am content in accepting a gift of food when it’s offered to be shared- that’s certainly my preferred way. This gesture of eating together is an extension of hospitality, a chance to sit in fellowship and solidarity- the giver and receiver, the host and the guest. I’d much rather be given a piece of boiled cassava to eat next to you then a whole chicken to take with me on my way.
Talking with other MCCers about their experiences with gifts and giving and how they’ve handled them, I’ve been challenged by listening to other perspectives. As a gift is given to a visitor, the host is extending relationship, an offer of friendship from one to the other. It is in this gesture that our mutual humanity and dignity is acknowledged and who would want to deprive another of this basic right? It’s a tremendous honor to welcome someone into your home and Ugandans seem to do it with great joy. Esther, another MCCer, shared that the organization in which she works with accepts gifts because they view it as a part of the healing process (she’s working in an area weary from years of LRA and tribal conflict). In the giving of a gift, the host is able to take a step out of their poverty, a step towards saying, “you know what, life can go on, there is hope for tomorrow because I can share this with you today”… Again, it goes right back to dignity. I guess I had never thought of that before, I haven’t taken much time to put myself in the shoes of the giver—I’ve been far too focused on myself (ha- big shocker there- some things don’t change!). I’ve been lamenting over how I feel receiving these gifts instead of considering the feelings of those graciously giving.
I think this is one of the hardest lessons in life: quieting the “me, me, me” voice in my mind and replacing it with that of the beautiful chorus of others. When I’m only looking at myself, my perspective is quite narrow and my life is quite shallow. When I’m looking at others, though, my horizons broaden and life just seems to be a bit more interesting and worthwhile. Over and over again, I’m learning what Sarah Rehn has been saying all along… life is best lived when lived in love for others.
At the end of the day, I seem to be in the same place as when I started- I often don’t have the answers to the questions I ask and yet I’m slowly wondering if maybe that’s just part of life. The point isn’t in the answers it’s in the asking, it’s in the experiencing and living in the tension of the in between. Life is messy and confusing at times, but that’s just life. If I had all the answers, there would be no adventure, no invigorating palpation of the heart…. Although life makes little sense, when we live in love, at least a little sense can be found—and it’s revitalizing.